Square Hole, Round Peg
The subtle and not-so-subtle process of deconditioning and self-acceptance
I know the title is askew from the usual saying. That is, of course, on purpose. A minor effort in mental disturbance to draw attention maybe. Guilty as charged. Regardless, you are here and I am here so let me explain.
The saying “square peg, round hole” has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems to exemplify what a part of me has been trying to ‘do’ most of this life. Trying to make that damn square peg fit, or trying to fill in the gaps that remained even if I did.
The ‘round hole’, from my perspective, has been the conditioning that I was both born with as well as constructed just by being raised and ‘educated’ in this world. The ‘round hole’ is the Holy Grail of some kind of existential acceptance into the World itself. “I fit! Woohoo!”
However, if you are not a round hole then there is quite a grind and pressure that comes with this need to be a part of something that everyone seems to be a part of. It’s like trying to dye my wool white when it is really black (or turquoise, doesn’t really matter).
The point is, there has been a suffering loop around trying to be something I had convinced myself I ‘should’ be. That was all going on inside of me, from self to self. I don’t play victim to the process of conditioning. It is all a part of our individual journeys.
At first it was acknowledging how I have been conditioned. What lenses have I looked though this life? Where has my decision-making come from? What has been the consequence of this? There are so many ways that I have forged a false version of myself that is still front and center. I am no where near declaring I have embodied my authentic self. In many ways I feel I am just starting.
The first step has been just being aware of this ‘square peg, round hole’ phenomenon. How does it show up in my day to day life? What does the energy feel like? I have noticed for myself it comes up in my head, my mental body. It comes up in frustration and irritation. Like I want to drive 55mph in a 25mph zone. There are inner children at play! Relax!
I love the image of the square peg being shoved into a round hole because it evokes the energy I feel. The corners of the peg are sheared off as I press or pound. Not a delightful feeling really. Then there is the unfulfilled feeling of the empty space that exists at the edges. It is a cycle of ‘grind and grief’. Yeah, done with that.
Beyond the awareness there is the acceptance. I am a square peg. Period. Or whatever shape that feels to signify my being. Again, doesn’t matter. I am that I am. Sounds simple, but much more challenging in the face of the conditioning.
I trust that as I continue to accept my uniqueness (or my squareness in this analogy), I will gain more insight into what I am here to be, to learn, and to express in this life that is more aligned to who and what I truly am. Until then, I am putting away the hammer and the filler and just let my peg stand on its own four edges.
